Column 4: True Life — My talents are being wasted at work
I need competition, stimulation, and creativity, but lately, I've been withdrawing
Today I told my company’s CEO that I felt like a rat stuck in a maze. Proverbial as fuck. 🐀
What I really meant by it in the moment is a lot less metaphorical than the stick-it-to-the-man version of the phrase I wish I were brave enough to say to her face, and a lot more literal. I had been getting some steps in, walking the windowless, square-shaped hallway right outside the glass doors of our office suite. As I rounded the corner to face the transparent entrance my second time around, I made silent eye contact with boss lady, sitting contentedly inside in one of our reception chairs.
She looked at me quizzically. I smiled and pumped my arms exaggeratedly, mouthing, “I’m walking.” I felt stupid. Decided to cut my losses and opted out of another lap so I wouldn’t have to awkwardly avoid our eyes meeting again at the same juncture.
I re-entered our suite and blurted out that I felt like a rat stuck in a maze.
What I meant was that the circular, beige bleakness of our office’s hallway literally made me feel like a rodent. But the feeling the comment imparted implied something heavier, and the irony of my statement hung in the air for a moment before I clomped back to my desk, pretending I didn’t notice my accidental double entendre.
To further drive the theme home, I ended up spending the rest of my afternoon in the office reading through a report generated by an online work personality assessment tool in preparation for an upcoming team training we have scheduled. It told me I’m bold, decisive, most motivated by high-level thinking and action, and most bogged down by repetitive processes and environments where I lack a voice.
Doing a quick mental audit, I realized that I am of course spending most of my time existing in the ways that drain me most. 👹
I’ve felt this way for the past few years and just haven’t yet cracked the code. I live into my natural aptitudes more easily outside of my job (although even then, I’m starting to understand that some of the ways I walk through my personal life are also suspiciously more aligned with ways of being that actually really deplete my energy, apparently) — however, when it comes to work, I seem to get myself into roles that I convince myself are good fits but then prove to be dissatisfying 6 months in. I feel bored. Underutilized and burnt out at the same time.
I’m aware that I need a lot more than I’m currently getting in my work. For a while, I tried on the belief that maybe my job didn’t have to be super “meaningful” to me for me to still have a life that I felt was net-positive. I could just scoop a paycheck and be happy in other areas of my existence.
But pretty much all of life has meaning to me, and evidently I’m a fucking Di on the DiSC model (look it up if you please), which wasn’t news to me but did shake me a little more awake to the fact that currently, I am not at all using the very strengths most inherent to my character 40 hours out of every week. I think I do need something more meaningful in my job. I’m not saying I want work to check every box for me, but I do need more space to create, compete, and direct than I presently have.
I have a strong feeling (knowing) that my work and “career” will evolve greatly over my lifetime, and even in the next few years. And I don’t know where I will next end up. The next right move was to write about it. I’ve done that now. Universe, if you’re reading this, I’m ready for the next one. 🛣️
If you’ve found your perfect niche, let me know. 🤍
xo,
Lo ❤️🔥
I can relate to this quite a bit. When I worked at Purdue, I was pretty burned out on the mid-level admin life. I would always have walking meetings around campus, would work remotely outside of the office, may have even did some work on a hammock in a secluded part of campus. My last two months were very much like “Damn, it’s good to be a gangsta” scene from “Office Space.” I needed a hard reset and ended up packing up, took Route 66 from Chicago to LA and then lived/worked in the wilderness for a few years. Best choice ever. Hope you find your something that can reignite your soul.
Hey, Universe! Listen up. She’s ready!! 📣